just thinking

I’m just thinking a lot.  I’m worn out, stressed out at work.  Too much to do, hectic.  Then I talk to a friend whose jobs keep vanishing out from under him.  So I guess I should feel fortunate, blessed.  I guess I do.

I just feel so burdened for my kids.  Sometimes by them, usually just for them.  I wonder how other single parents manage.  I look at couples and think how easy they have it.  Then I realize how small my issues are, my kids’ issues are, compared to other kids and other parents.  And I guess I should feel fortunate, blessed.  I guess I do.

Sometimes I’m content.  Content with possessions, money, people.  Sometimes I’m not.  I look around and realize how really blessed I am.  I guess I should feel fortunate and be content.  I guess for the most part I am.

I just wish, pray, that I could stay content.  Don’t get me wrong… overall, I am there.  I just wish I could stay there.

Went to a concert

It was last night.  Just a small concert – the couple who played go by 40 Miles North and they are really good.  Folk, acoustical, rock-ish worship.  A couple hundred, maybe more were there and we had a good evening.

The music really touched me.  Rather, the words.  The truth is that I need to express my love and appreciation to the volunteers in the ministry I coordinate, and I need to do it now.  Yeah, I do tell them how much they mean, but I need to make it more personal.

You might ask “Why?” and it would be a reasonable question.  If you know me, you know I already thank them over and over, and encourage them consistently.  The reason I need to do this now is that God is saying so.

I’m not talking about hearing God’s voice out loud, or anything like that.  I’m saying the Holy Spirit is just putting it on my heart to do this, and for me, when the Holy Spirit prompts me like that, I just feel like I need to respond.

See, I believe God still speaks to all of us, just not necessarily out loud where we all can hear it like we hear each other talking.  The Holy Spirit puts things on our hearts, ideas or thoughts or feelings we don’t understand really, we don’t know where they really came from, but they are very real to us and we tend to embrace them.

Actually acting on them is another thing entirely.  I don’t always act on them, of course.  I sure feel like I should, but I’m lazy or embarrassed or scared or who knows what.  But today, I want to act on this one.  I think I’ll write a personal note to each person, gradually working through the list, but to each and every one.

Because as I remember, the key in this life is to put people first. God calls us to that.  I want to answer and respond.

Too Much

I woke up last night thinking about all these projects for my job.  I never did get back to sleep.

I usually do pretty well separating work from non-work, but I guess I just have a lot on my plate right now — more than usual.

I think I’m pretty good at managing stress.  I don’t feel real good at it right now, though.

This morning, my devo was about trusting God.  It wasn’t exactly aimed at my concerns, but I think at the bottom of everything right now, it really does get back to trust.  So today, I’m praying about trusting God, asking Him to help me let go and just do what I need to do.

It’s hard sometimes, because my staff reacts very quickly to my apparent stress level of my own mood or attitude.  I really have to watch how I come across to them.  They’re really good at what they do, and I think it’s because they genuinely care about me, but I really do have to be careful how “much” I let them see.

So today, I’m going to work at giving everything to God and letting Him work through me and in me.

It’s a relief.

Is it real?

A couple of times this week, people said some really nice things to me.  I was caught somewhat off guard.

A friend of mine lost his mom to cancer this week.  I don’t know him all that well.  We’re both involved in student ministries at our church, and while we don’t really spend much time together, that is certainly a common bond.

There was a time at a youth conference a year ago we were dancing in the back of this big room during a hip-hop worship concert…we didn’t look good, and I think we scared a lot of the kids who saw us… but we had fun together.

Well, his mom died, and I was scheduled to have lunch with a mutual friend, and the friend (who I believe knows this guy much better than I do) suggested we go to the calling hours together.

At the calling hours, this guy put his arm around me for the longest time as we watched a powerpoint slide show of his mom, just watching as the music played.  He told me several times how much it meant to him that I came.  I know that’s something you say at those types of things… but I think he really meant it.

Sometimes we don’t realize how much we mean to people.  I sure don’t understand why he felt that way, but I’m glad I went.

A few years ago, I was in a group with 2 other guys… we tried to meet once a month for an hour, just to talk and pray for each other.  We didn’t really know each other well, although we began to.  Then it kind of fell by the wayside.  It didn’t last long, 8-10 months maybe?  Anyway, today I had my son at the dentist and I was sitting in the waiting room, well, waiting.  One of these guys, his wife came in for a cleaning.  When she came out, she sat down next to me and asked if my ears were burning. 

She told me that they were talking back there about how much good I do, at work, at church, and what a great guy I am.  I laughed and told her I don’t feel all that much like a great guy, more like I’m overwhelmed and just hanging on!  She assured me that I have it together, and told me she appreciated me.

I respect her judgment, so I’ve been thinking a lot about what she said.  I think that we often see ourselves both inside and outside – but others really only see outside, and maybe a little of the inside, but only what we show them.  So it’s hard for us to understand the view of us that others have.

I’d like to capture that view of myself.  I might relax a little more, not try to hard, and maybe have a little more satisfaction in what I do.  But I’m glad people see that good stuff.  I need to focus on that more myself.

Been a while…

A week actually, since my last post.  I guess a lot has happened, although honestly I don’t think I’ve slowed down enough to figure out what would be on that list.

I am jam-packed at work.  It’s all good stuff, but just no time to breathe.  It starts getting to me after a bit.  Home has had its own set of challenges, but nothing out of the ordinary.  Same stuff popping up again, so it’s handle-able.  I think it’s just a lot.

I wonder a lot if I do too much.  Too much busy-ness.  It’s hard to know.  I pray a lot, really, asking God what I should take on, what I should drop.  He’s faithful at showing me.  I guess I just need to keep asking and watching/listening.

Like I said, it’s all good stuff.  Really, there’s nothing bad.  And then of course, to top it off the boys’ mom left on a business trip to San Antonio so I guess they won’t be going over to her house for a visit this week.  Not that they usually do anyway, well not for the “scheduled” amount of time, but the nice part is she never told me about her trip to Texas or anything.  Crazy.  I guess I’m used to it for the most part anymore… I just don’t get it sometimes.

I want to go to Disney.  It’s such a peaceful escape.  I know, tens of thousands of people — but it really is a peaceful escape for me.  Too bad I just bought carpet, furniture, bedding for my son (and me).

I hope whoever reads this has a good day.  That’s what it’s all about.

Leaving her water

“Then, leaving her water jar, the woman went back to the town and said to the people, “Come, see a man who told me everything I ever did. Could this be the Christ?” John 4:28

We’re doing this “21-day Challenge” at church…. read the 21 chapters of the book of John in 21 days, a chapter a day. This is the 4th day, so guess what chapter I was reading this morning? You got it, the 4th chapter.

Once in a while I’ll read something that just jumps out at me — today that happened. I was reading along, and there was verse 28. I’ve read it before, many times probably, and it never meant a thing to me. Today God showed me something new.

This woman, if you start at verse 1 in the chapter, had gone to this well. Digging deeper, she’d actually gone to this well at a time when no Jews would be there, as she was a Samaritan and they didn’t get along at all. Of course, here comes Jesus to the well, and asks her to get him a drink. She recognized him as a Jew, and was surprised he would take a drink from her if she got it for him. They talk a while, and she ultimately realizes he is something more special than the average guy.

Then, she leaves her water and returns to town.

It hit me. We know she needed water. She needed it badly. She risked running into a Jew, and although she picked the ‘safest’ time, she still left the town and walked to the well. Water wasn’t carried in plastic jugs or bottles back then — it was in stone or clay pots, and it had to be heavy. To carry full pots of water back to town was real effort — she must have really needed the water.

But she left it.  Jesus made such an impression on her that she left her water and went back to the town to tell people she’d met him and what had happened in their conversation.

I want to be like that.  I want to allow Jesus to make such an impression on me every single day that I ‘leave my water’ and go tell people about him.

I don’t do that.  Well, ok, sometimes I do.  But most of the time I internalize his impact on me, knowing that I will incorporate that into my heart and my living and that it will indeed impact others down the line.  And honestly, I’m sure that a lot of the time that really does happen.

But I want more.  I want to do more.  I want to leave my water and go from that spot and be His.  Not later, but now.

Faith happens.  Discipleship is intentional.

I want to disciple.

Leaders

I worked for a guy once who was all over this John Maxwell stuff — theories and ideas about leadership.  Supposedly John Maxwell gets the basis for his theories and ideas from Scripture, so I was intrigued.  I tried to put much of what I read into practice… but the problem was my boss — he put none of it into practice.  He thought that by bringing people around him who would put it into practice, that made him a great leader.  It didn’t.

As we look to the Fall and how to develop and encourage Adult Leaders in our Student Ministries program at church, I realize how integral our own leadership of students must be.  It is not enough to work with adult leaders — I must also work with students and be a leader as well; if not only to understand what the leaders face, but also to understand (as best as I can) what the students face.

Leadership, to me, is involvement and relationship.  From there, it is living.  A different boss once said to me, “Knowledge doesn’t make you a leader; when you walk across a tightrope and others follow — without you asking them to — then, you are a leader.”

I like that.  Today, God, help me to step out onto that tightrope.

I got there!

I got through it.  I am so sure, so certain now — what a great feeling and relief!  There is no doubt in my mind, and while there’s still some moving forward that I have to do, I’m on the way there.

Regardless of what happens in the next chapter, I know the chapter’s title, and I can’t wait to begin living it out!  I know I haven’t yet turned that page completely, but it’s just a relief to finally be at the place where I can do that….it is indeed good.

What Connects Us?

What connects us?  A question that I ponder from time to time.  I look around and find a wonderful blessing of many friends nearby.  Yet each of them is different, just as I am.  My connection with each of them is, quite naturally, different as a result.  I’ve wondered whether there is a common thread that connects me with each of them, connects each of them with their own friends, and so on. 

So could there be something, a common thread, a single similarity? 

I’m not sure I have the answer.  What I do know is that some of my friendships, relationships, acquaintances are more significant to me than others.  So, with that in mind, the connection becomes more significant.  Or rather, there was a more significant connection that contributed to the more significant relationship.  

I think more than anything, it has much more to do with me, and what is going on inside me, than it does with anyone else or their personal characteristics, interests, or similarities to me.  I, myself, pursue a connection because it’s important to me, perhaps after just meeting someone.  On the other hand, other connections I may not pursue at all because they are not as significant to me or what is going on in me at that particular moment than some other things.

I guess I really don’t know.  What is clear and true to me is that I have a very very real connection to some people that is unmistakeably special.  I have some cool relationships with others that are completely absent some special or significant connection – and that fact surprises me!  But I know that it is true, and it really limits where the relationship can go from here.

 

 

Blessings

I’ve thought a lot about blessings for the past 5 months.  Sure, I’d thought about them before that, but not in the same way.  I have discovered that there are a lot more blessings in my life, little ones, than I really ever thought about before, but I’ve also thought about the big blessings in my life, and which ones I choose to grab a hold of, and which ones I accept more tacitly but don’t reach out and grab.

I guess God carries us, or invites us into, a process of discovery, a journey of discovery, a journey on which we discover new dimensions or views to everything around us…. so we begin to see “new” blessings, or perhaps see blessings that were there before, but only now do I recognize them as what they really are — “blessings”….

One to share — it is Friday.  I have had too ridiculously busy weeks at work — not in terms of hours of work, but in terms of cramming as much into the hours I’m there as possible, and it’s been getting to me.  I have what I’ll call a ‘recovery day’ today…. in and out of the office, but a much better pace.  I had 8 meetings yesterday… today I have 1 for work, an ortho appointment to take my youngest son to, a photo viewing to take my oldest son to, and lunch with a newspaper reporter — technically the last one is a work meeting, but it we’re friends as well so I’m really looking forward to it.

Those are blessings.  Just have to look at it through God’s eyes.  Not ‘what’ happens, but ‘why’ it happens the way it does.  And therein, so often, I find a blessing, hidden from my sight, but not….